


You Can And You Won't

by piecesofme



Series: Tumblr Rants [2]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-17 23:01:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 13,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14840856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piecesofme/pseuds/piecesofme
Summary: The Tumblr blog resumes as Simon has makes his choice between Bram or Cal, but there's still more drama for the teenager as an anonymous commenter reads on about his life.





	1. S!len+ P!igh+

Dec 24 - 10:45pm

!+ was +he n!gh+ before Chr!s+mas and all +hrough +he house, no+ a crea+ure was s+!rr!ng. Excep+ for my mouse, wh!ch wasn'+ w!reless or work!ng and dr!v!ng me !nsane, because even my keyboard was ac+!ng !nane.

Us!ng pluses for "+"s, exclama+!ons for "!"s, ! hoped San+a would br!ng a lap+op surpr!se. E!+her p!xels or pr!n+ my blog would be f!ne, bu+ ! needed a break +o s+ar+ +h!nk!ng offl!ne.

+h!nk!ng abou+ wha+ ! found pos+ +he dance. +h!nk!ng how ! found !+ by chance. ! f!nally unve!led who had scr!p+ed +he le++er. !+ was someone ! knew who should've known be++er.

No+ Abby, no+ N!ck, no+ Leah, no+ Mar+!n, no+ Bram, no+ mom, bu+ +he man who made me.

So for over a week, ! deba+ed my ac+!on. Would ! forg!ve or forge+? Or focus on d!s+rac+!on? L!ke decora+!ng f!ve dozen cook!es w!+h sugar and sp!ce. Or wa+ch!ng every mov!e on pay-per-v!ew. +w!ce.

And when all else fa!led +o preoccupy my m!nd, ! would help Cal Pr!ce work on h!s gr!nd.

Cons!der!ng vaca+!on days were l!ke dog years, Cal and ! were already on +he verge of common law s+a+us. So mak!ng us onl!ne off!c!al seemed l!ke a formal!+y.

And ye+, ! was afra!d. Would Cal s+!ll accep+ me !f he knew my own fa+her d!dn'+? ! need clar!+y and an explana+!on.


	2. New Year, New Simon

Dec 31 - 7:33pm

In four short months, I had evolved. I'd gone from "that guy who tried to kill himself" to "that guy who had a date on New Year's Eve." But for some reason, New Simon still couldn't shake feeling like the old one.

...CARE TO COMMENT?...

Posted by Anonymous:

Shake it off. Everything is going your way. What's left to be resolved?


	3. Resolutions

Jan 1 - 1:21am

I hadn't spoken to Bram since the dance, and I was worried that seeing him would be weird.

I needed some closure and maybe he did too. As soon as I saw him trying to carry kegs from the basement, I asked if he needed help. The first thing that came out of my mouth was an apology for what had happened at the dance. Stupidly, I asked him if we could remain friends.

Bram cut me off and asked me for another chance. He acknowledge all the mistakes he committed and promised to not screw up again. I pointed out how I had come to the party with Cal, but Bram suggested I could leave with him instead.

"It's not that easy," I said.

"I know you haven't forgotten about me, Simon, or you wouldn't be here right now," he replied.

It was true. I hadn't forgotten about Bram. But I also hadn't entirely forgiven him. According to Bram, Cal told him that all we've done was just hang out. He was sure Cal would understand once we explain it. I was hesitant, but Bram reassured me that he would tell Cal everything if I wanted.

Bram wanted me to meet with him at midnight to start all over. He told me not to worry about Cal because he would understand once he knew who was with whom first. Technically, Bram was with me first. And technically, Cal and I weren't official. But if everything came down to technicalities, I was technically confused.

Meanwhile, Abby was tracking me down all night long. Abby seems to think that because Martin made her do evil things, JC (Jesus Christ) is mad at her. She was trying to befriend me after the whole going out with her ex-boyfriend thing. Cal told me he had broken up with Abby weeks before asking me to the winter formal, but I was still a bit nervous anytime Abby tried to talk to me. She kept trying to reassure me that she was fine with my new relationship, so all I could do was say thanks.

Fifteen minutes until midnight. They were 15 minutes that I would never forget. Cal needed acceptance, Bram needed an answer, and I needed some air.

Ms. Albright surprised me outside of Bram's house. Apparently, she got stood up by her date tonight and was in need of some advice. "I'm not good at following my own intuition when it comes to relationships," she insisted. Her psychic, Susan, was out of town and at that moment, I could've used a little guidance from Susan myself.

"You can't let your past disappoint cloud your judgment. It's holding you back," I finally respond. And maybe my past disappointment was holding me back too.

In the end, I decided not to meet up with Bram at midnight. I managed to find Cal just in time to have our new year's kiss. It felt like time stopped for a moment, and when our lips finally pulled apart, he asked me if I had any resolutions.

I decided I'm not gonna make any resolutions. I'm just gonna let the year surprise me.

Back at my house, Cal found the box of condoms my mom gave me for Christmas. He couldn't believe that a mom would ever do that, but he obviously needs to spend more time with mine. I told him that my mom also gave condoms to the last guy I dated. In retrospect, I'm not sure why I felt the needed to divulge that information.

Cal asked if I used them with said guy. "Yes, no... Not anymore, but I have... If it makes you feel any better, I was in love, you know, when I used them." was all I could mutter. I could tell by the look on his face that it didn't make him feel better. "Do you want out?" I said to break the silence.

"No, I'm all in... But are you?" Cal said.

It was official. We had DTR'ed online for the world to see. And I was letting go of my fear. My fear of rejection. Because I had nothing to hide. And even if only one virtual stranger knew the whole truth, it was time to go public with what I could neither forgive nor forget.


	4. Sex, Lies, and the Sanctuary

Jan 7 - 5:55pm

With the new year came freedom. I had a boyfriend who was happy to be seen with me in direct sunlight. And I had to say it felt good to have an open relationship. Not open in a polyamorous way, just public.

What I didn't expect to go public was a tape of the sanctuary. The security camera was pointed at the football field, but it seems that it was recently moved. I couldn't imagine all the scandalous stuff that's been caught on tape. Including my secret relationship with Bram Greenfeld.

I was barely over my suicide stigma. I couldn't be known as the guy who hooked up on tape. Now I had to tell Cal about Bram before he found out the hard way. I had to get more info on the footage.

As I approached Bram and Cal at their lockers, Cal seemed jittery and quickly left Bram and I alone. I asked Bram if he had told him about us. Bram clapped back by telling me it was actually Cal who told him about us. "He said you slept with somebody, but for now, he doesn't know who it is. Why'd you tell him?"

That was none of Bram's business. But with the video surfacing at any minute, it probably was. Bram gave me an ultimatum: we could tell Cal, or he can find out with the rest of the world. I was desperate to know how much time I had before I had to tell Cal. My honeymoon was not ready to be over.

If there was anyone at SC who knew what was going on before anyone else, it was the soccer team. They were friendly with everyone and consequently knew everybody’s business. Somehow Nick managed to get them to investigate the tape sitch! If anyone can smoke out the footage, it'll be them.

My dad thought he could work his way back into my heart through my stomach. He didn't know me at all. My Bram secret wasn't the only one I was keeping. My dad and I were still harboring his secret that he wrote the letter and I figured he should be the one to bust it out. When I asked him when he was going to tell mom about the letter, he told me that I didn't know how hard it was to tell someone something that might break their heart. I knew exactly how hard it was, which is why I had conveniently forgotten to tell Cal about Bram.


	5. Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Jan 16 - 8:17pm

I was done with secrets. And I wasn't the only one. The threat of the sanctuary tape being exposed ignited a school-wide pre-emptive strike. People were spilling their secrets faster than a bunch of drunk-ass reality stars in a hot tub. As pissed as I was at my dad for not divulging his secret, I was just as mad at myself for holding on to mine. I asked Nick to 86 the tape hunt. I decided to tell Cal. It didn't matter if it turns out I'm not even on it because Cal deserved to know. Even if he hates me for it.

As I was waiting for Cal by his car after school, Bram ran towards me and out of the blue asked me if I had slept with anyone else besides him. I quickly told him, "No, but what I have or haven't done doesn't..." He quickly told me that he loved me and ran off just as Cal showed up asking me if I was ready to go. I was definitely ready... to hit the nearest self-destruct button.

While we waited for Cal's car to warm up, he told me he didn't like secrets. Just as I was getting ready to explain myself, Cal confessed how he felt jealous of the guy I slept with and how crazy that sounded. He knew he had been acting like a total whack job even though he didn't even know who that guy was. And he didn't want to know because I was with him now and that's all that mattered. Right?

When Nick told me I wasn't on the tape, I felt relieved. As bad as I felt for forcing Nick to roll with his soccer homies, I had to admit I felt good. The black cloud of scandal had lifted, and I no longer had to live in fear. All my business was handled.

Bram texted me to meet him in the sanctuary and I obliged. I already knew we weren't on the tape, so I cut him off mid-sentence and turned to leave. I was in such a panic over the tape, I had put Bram's "I love you" in a box and shoved it into a poorly-lit corner of my mind.

We didn’t have to tell Cal, but I had to tell Bram how I felt. I didn’t want to be anyone's secret anymore. And I didn’t want to keep secrets from Cal. I really like him. He's not embarrassed of me, and he never makes me feel bad about myself. Bram asked if he made me feel bad about myself and I had to be honest and say yes. He apologized and begged me not to tell Cal.

My secrets were still in the closet. Cal didn't want to ask, and Bram didn't want me to tell. And my dad wasn't ready to out himself either. So I had to ask myself, were some secrets better revealed or concealed?

...CARE TO COMMENT?...

Posted by Anonymous:

It all depends on the secret.

Posted by Simon Spier:

What do you mean?

Posted by Anonymous:

Is it your secret to tell?


	6. Three's a Crowd

Jan 26 - 6:59pm

In my role as part of a newsome twosome, I was learning that sometimes I had to be led... And sometimes I had to take the lead.

Relationships were all about compromise and restraint. I was trying to throw myself into my relationship with Cal without being the clingy girlfriend of his past. But like a uniboob in a sports bra, I was the one being confined by my ex. Bram just couldn't accept rejection.

Some people did need rejection. Like Garrett Laughlin who is so relentless. Leah had caught him flirting with another girl during the anti-bullying assembly this morning. She went off on him in front of everyone... I guess Bram wasn't the only one who couldn't let go.

Like Bram, my life had become a series of new complications. My boyfriend's boy friend was my secret ex, and I wasn't sure how to remove the third wheel from my relationship. Bram suggested lunch off campus and Cal immediately agreed. There really wasn't anything I could do but also accept the invite. As Bram was leaving, he "accidentally" gave my butt a pat.

"Bram's been acting weird lately. Have you noticed?" Cal asked. It was hard not to. Bram was always around. Cal wondered if Bram was depressed and I didn't know how to respond to that. Bram's my problem. He's depressed, and it's my fault. I chose Cal, and now we can't be alone without Bram tagging along trying to tempt me. The whole situation is weird.

Luckily, Leah was always there for a reality check. She thinks that maybe Bram feels like a BBF: Back-Burner Friend. She also pointed out how I've been so saran-wrapped around Cal that I don't even see it. But the thing is I'm not clingy... Bram is!

As Leah prepared to own up to her behavior, I was left to process mine. Was I unintentionally being cruel to Bram by clinging on to Cal?

I didn't want to rub my relationship or anything else in Bram's face. And to prove my point, I took the back seat, I shared my better half, and I gave up control. I was cramped, hungry, and hot in the wrong way. In my attempt to spare Bram's feelings, I had sacrificed mine. My ménage à trois had become a ménage faux pas. I was being constantly reminded of my lingering attraction to Bram.

But thankfully, three was a magic number at home... on a good day. My dad could make excuses all night, but I knew the truth. Ever since my mom found out that he was behind the carefrontation, she had been avoiding him. And by avoiding him, I was getting the residual shaft too. He bought her a hot tub and a hot tub equaled one thing: desperation. My dad was desperate for my mother's attention, and his secret weapon always involved less clothing and more skin.

As I vented to Leah about the lunch date, she admitted that Bram might be trying to homewreck me just like she was plotting on wrecking Garrett. I refuse to believe Bram is that kind of guy, but rejection does bring out the dark side. Bram might be a loose cannon right now for all I know. But there's no way he's trying to overtly hurt my relationship. Cal is his friend.

I was hanging out with Cal again tonight to watch a movie... or get in the hot tub as my dad suggested, but I was not THAT desperate... And Bram somehow ended up sitting across from me in it, so I knew in that instance that he was trying to sabotage me. No need to crank up the heat since I was already boiling.

Cal told me that Bram invited himself, so it was clear Bram wasn't just clinging on to me. He was clinging on to Cal. Because if he couldn't have me, he didn't want Cal to either. It was textbook sabotage.

I hadn't had a moment alone with Cal in over a week. Leah knew Bram was a saboteur although she pointed out that he was a little more amateur hour than her.

Ironically enough, Martin gave both Leah and I good advice. He was still trying to win back Abby after their friendship hit a snag. According to him, people will tell you to let go of your anger, but anger can be a great motivator. If you wanna sabotage someone, you have to be smart. Find out what their Achilles heel is, and cut into it.

Some would say that Abby rejected Martin, but he would say that she doesn't want to be replaced. Bitch had a point. Bram didn't want me to replace him. So if I was going to get him to back down, I would have to engage in major display of PDA. And I would do it by taking the front seat, not sharing my better half, and regaining control.

I finally beat Bram at his own game. Martin was right. Anger was a great motivator. Cal thought he knew what was up, but he was wrong when he thought I didn't like Bram. That was the problem. If Cal knew just how well I knew Bram, he wouldn't love me.

My mom surprised me with the news that she was going to stay at my grandparent's for a few days. My dad wasn't opposed to the idea but he thought she needed space. Everyone could use a little space. Everyone but me. While I didn't like being suffocated in my relationship, I could have used a little less oxygen at home. No one gets to escape if I don't.

Leah's been through this a few times with her parents, and she says the first separation never takes. If she was really leaving, there would've been some sort of grand gesture like a trip to Disney World. Leah was on to something, but maybe there was an easier way to get Bram out of my hair. One that wouldn't give me 50 to life.

Bram and I needed to talk. Apparently he was up to speed on the intent of those words, so I didn't have to waste time with gentle pleasantries. I had to go aggro by explicitly telling him to butt out of my relationship and to stop trying to seduce me. He was confused so I had to be clearer by pointing out the winks, the "accidental" touching, and nuding up every chance he got. Bram has nice abs. I. GET. IT!

Bram defended himself by telling me I'm crazy to believe that as if he wants to hang out with us. He said Cal wants him to. Bram is trying to make it as normal as possible, but it is hard with me always being so clingy. I AM NOT CLINGY! HE'S THE CLING-ON. But the only new variable in their relationship is me. They've been hanging out together since they were ten.

During the anti-bullying 5K, Cal let me know that Bram thought we needed to spend more time together alone. As nice of a gesture that was, I felt that Bram and Cal should hang out without me for once. He didn't need a clingy boyfriend, and I didn't need to be one. I apologized to Bram for acting crazy cuz I thought he was trying to sabotage my relationship. And nobody likes a bully.


	7. Are You There God? It's Me, Simon.

Feb 5 - 8:34pm

Post my parents' separation, I'd spent a lot of time playing the blame game. And nine times out of ten, the onus of their split landed on me. I regretted ever saying anything about the letter, and I was consumed with guilt. So I was willing to be with anyone and do anything to avoid feeling like a bad person.

My dad was also looking for redemption. And while our relationship was still on shaky ground, he needed a little hand-holding... willing or otherwise. He wasn't good at being alone. Not that he excelled at being in public either.

At least there was one saving grace to getting up early on a Sunday. Donuts! I probably should have tried to save my mom from the church welcoming committee, but sometimes, you just have to save yourself.

The church youth retreat poster seemed appealing due to my current situation, and Abby was insisting I attend. The "Saint and Sinners" party sounded fun (even more when Abby told me they secretly call it "haloed bros and biblical hos"), so what would Simon do? Since my home no longer felt like a safe haven, I was open to exploring gods. Maybe it was going to be a new day... until Abby called me out infront of her pastor as the harlot who stole her boyfriend. Scratch that. It was judgement day.

Leah didn't take well to the idea of me going to church camp. She insisted on me not drinking the kool-aid and taking a nap. "It's a church, not a cult," I replied. I could really use the retreat given all the chaos going on with my parents. I think I need a little spiritual guidance right now.

I had lost faith in myself. Maybe it was time for a little divine intervention.

For the first time, I went into Ms. Albright's office actually looking for some advice. I'm depressed because my parents are seperated but all Ms. Albright could talk about was how my dad was now single and how I'm going to have to compete with others for his attention. What I want is for my parents to get back together. I feel like their breakup is my fault, and it makes me question who I am.

Ms. Albright likes internal reflection because it helps us mature or something. But she was not onboard with me going on a retreat with bible-thumpers. I think putting my worry into a higher power will bring me some comfort. Even if I was going mostly because of the doughnuts. Ms. Albright left me with this: religion is all about preying on the weak and to her I was an easy target.

While I wasn't convinced that religion was about exploiting the weak, in my vulnerable state, I couldn't take the risk. I'd have to find another way to soothe my soul. And if I wasn't going to lean on Jesus, I'd lean on Cal.

During lunch, Cal said Bram needed my point of view on some lame guy. If Bram was going to fixate on a new guy, I'm glad Cal thought he was lame. Bram was up to his old tricks again and while I didn't want to hear the details, it was nice to know it wasn't about me. Until Cal pointed out that this guy has been leading Bram on since the summer. So it was about me. I was a bitch and a relationship assassin.

Not only had I split up my parents, but I'd come precariously close to ending a friendship. Cal's judgement had only further cemented my first instinct. I was a bad person, and I needed to redeem myself. When Cal suggested he would fix up Bram for a double date with us, I immediately told them I couldn't cuz I was going to church camp.

The retreat was exactly what I needed to clear my conscience. People weren't judgey, they were handsy. And considering all the action I was getting on the bus, there was a solid chance I would find comfort being embraced by a community of loving, affectionate... haters like Martin.

I tried to get Leah to steal her mom's car and rescue me from Martin, but she was on lockdown and my dad wasn't picking up his phone. I came here for peace of mind and that's the last thing I'm going to get with that bitch by my bunk. I'm going to have to Man Vs. Wild it if I don't get out of here soon. I'd rather brave the elements than spend 48 hours with Martin Addison.

Martin made it very clear that I needed to stay away from Abby. She was his friend not mine. When Abby suggested I share a bunk with Martin, I told her that I'd rather sleep on the floor even if there were mice and spiders.

I was still looking for a ride when Taylor sat next to me outside the cabin. When she found out I was planning on going home, she kept telling me that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I wouldn't put it past Martin to smother me in my sleep. Taylor want me to not let Martin spoil the retreat. She could believe in being a glutton for punishment but I don't. Even if she believes Christianity is all about respect and tolerance, this place only teaches about Adam and Eve not Alice and Eve. Taylor laughed and said that she's not totally sold on the whole "Jesus being straight" thing... all that time in the desert with twelve dudes and no women? "That's blasphemy!" I say jokingly.

I really did need to get out of here. This whole thing was an impulse decision. I only came to the retreat because I was feeling really crappy about myself, and I was desperate for something to make me feel better, but this ain't it. Taylor sighed and left after telling me, "No one is going to make you have a bad experience unless you let them. Don't be a pussy."

The Saints and Sinners Ball was a blast. Abby was nice enough to loan me a costume... that was the serpent who tempted Adam and Eve and ruined paradise. Martin had the audacity of dressing up as, in his words, "a pregnant woman who claims she's a virgin," so that was something. The retreat was nothing I expected and it got even more interesting during Share Circle.

One guy shared his story about how after his third time in rehab, he finally traded drugs for Jesus. Abby shared something extremely personal. She said she made a lot of mistakes this year due to some bad advice from a friend that led her to break her purity pledge with her hands. She had given her ex countless rub-and-tugs. Fourty-seven to be exact.

I wasn't sure what was more disturbing. Abby going into graphic detail about handies or hearing that my boyfriend was on the other end of her hand.

"I don't think hand love is a sin," someone commented. "Well, you may not personally think so, but Corinthians says that all the stuff leading up to sex should only happen inside marriage," said another. "Corinthians got married at twelve," Martin added.

It's a lot to overcome, but Abby was on her path. There was no doubt the Share Circle was cathartic for those willing to bare all, and for once, it was nice to be out of the spotlight. Until Martin put it right back on me. He asked how I overcame my suicide attempt. And again I had to explain how I didn't try to commit suicide. It was an accident and a rumor.

"Come on, Simon, you're among friends," Martin taunted. "If you ask God for forgiveness, you'll be forgiven," a guy suggested. "There is no shame in confessing," Martin laughed. "I don't have anything to confess," I finally said. "Uh-oh. Isn't lying a sin too?" Martin insisted.

A whole debate was a-brewin'. "This is serious. You have to ask for forgiveness, or you'll go to hell. Eternal lake of fire - Hell!" "He didn't commit suicide!" "He just attempted it."

"Then I guess he's going to purgatory," Martin yelled. Abby got in on the action too by asking, "Didn't they get rid of purgatory, or was that limbo?"

"She can't go to limbo. That's for unbaptized babies," said the retreat leader. Martin gave the final blow: "That is perfect for Simon. He was an accident."

Instead of being redeemed, I was crucified. And I couldn't wait three days for my resurrection.

Abby went to check up on me after I ran from the Share Circle. She apologized for me being in the hot seat and added how she doesn't think I'm going to hell. Abby is a really good person. If the roles had been reversed with the whole Cal sitch, I don't know if I'd have been as forgiving. She knows that we all make mistakes, but she believes God gives us the opportunity to learn from them. Forgiving other people was the easy part of the process... it's learning how to forgive ourselves that's hard.

It was true. Abby was far wiser than people knew.

And like my dad, I had somehow evolved too. While I had been seeking absolution from a higher power, what I really needed was to absolve myself. For the first time since my parents' split, I didn't feel so alone.

...CARE TO COMMENT?...

Posted by Anonymous:  
You're not alone, Simon. I'm here.

Posted by Simon Spier:  
Who are you?

Posted by Anonymous:  
Not God.


	8. Catharsis

Feb 7 - 5:23pm

On Monday, I spotted Bram by his locker. He asked how my weekend was and while it was cathartic, his was not. He apoligized for the whole calling the mystery guy from summer camp lame and a bitch because he would've felt like crap thinking that I believed that. I guess we both had been going through our own crisis of conscience.

He didn't need to say sorry because things had been weird for both of us, so we called a truce. I wasn't the only thing evolving. My relationship with Bram was too. I had faith that Bram and I had the potential to be friends...

In the very distant future.


	9. My Love Is a Black Heart

Feb 14 - 10:42pm

Jealousy always had a way of bringing out the worst in people. Clearly, the fact that it was Valentine's Day was giving some people PTXD -- Post-traumatic ex disorder. V-Day had divided the school into lovers and haters, and I was a lover. 'Cause for the first time, my mom wasn't my only Valentine. I finally had no reason to hate on Hallmark because I had a perfect boyfriend. There was nothing to be jealous about. I was gonna enjoy the day!

Bram stopped by my locker for some advice. He asked what made the perfect day for a Valentine. So Cal had sent Bram over to get some covert intel. After he got all the info her needed, he ran off as Cal returned with something that looked like a beetle?

Or a love bug! Even if it was an impulse buy, it was adorable. I had to ask Cal if Bram and that freshman he's been hanging around with were dating. All Cal would say was that Bram was going to hook, line, and sink him. Dating is so not Bram... which wasn't entirely true. We had gone on a date. But Cal reassured me that Bram does not do sappy.

Leah and Nick gave me so much shit about Cal's present. Leah called it a cockroach while Nick insinuated that Cal got it last minute at the car wash. But even with all their teasing they knew Cal was going to plan something amazing for me tonight.

While I had my date, these two had the BHP. The Black Hearts Party was only the greatest event for the single and bitter. Nick didn't want Leah to go with him since Garrett was going to be there and rumor has it that he's in love. I called shenanigans because who goes to a singles mixer if they’re in a relationship? Leah was in denial because if he fell in love that fast, then she meant nothing to him. Her theory was exes make up rumors to get into your head, to screw with you.

But that rule doesn't apply to all exes. Bram and I don't play head games.

Or did we? I had to talk to someone about that guy Bram's been hanging out with. "Nobody likes a green-eyed monster," Ms. Albright teased during our weekly meeting. But I wasn't jealous!

My friends are allowed to make new friends. It's just that this new friend doesn't really meet my old friend's standards. Just because someone seems jealous doesn't mean they are... or it probably does?

"It is not fun to feel replaced," she said. Ironically, Ms. Albright had become a lot more insightful since we started our sessions.

My mom made the usual reservation at Red Lobster for our Valentine's dinner. I had to break it to her easy that I had a real date tonight. I insisted on her going out with my dad tonight and finally have a Valentine's dinner without their annoying kid tagging along. But no dice. My dad must've over heard because he started using the I already got plans bit. He was posturing.

Cal was nervous all night because he wanted everything to be perfect. And it was. Starting with the great restaurant thanks to my suggestion to Bram. Good food, not too noisy, so we could... talk. 

As we approached our table, I realized this wasn't the perfect place for a date after all. Not only was Bram dating, he was on my date. What a coincidence... or a total setup! I could smell a rat. Or was it the scent of a cheap, freshman Ken doll?

Bram introduced his date, Lyle, to us and I was glad I dumped Bram, or Lyle's ass would have been firmly planted on his couch. Alone.

Dinner was okay... even if I had to eat around it. Bram pointed out that I was allergic to onions much to Cal's surprise. I only ever mentioned it during my first date with Bram.

Not only had Lyle crashed my perfect date, but he'd also snaked my perfect flowers, which I suddenly realized were glaringly absent from my night. Lyle couldn't believe he was on a date with Bram Greenfeld... and neither could I. But Cal was sweet. We were sweet. And suddenly, it didn't matter that my night had been hijacked. I had Cal, who would hold my hand in public. Lyle was never gonna get that from Bram.

Okay, so maybe never. But Bram was still hiding his date... right out in the open. Bram wasn't hiding his feelings. He was flaunting them, and I was totally jealous. Leah was right. I'm no more evolved with Bram than she was with Garrett.

I went to the bathroom to gather myself and Bram followed. He thanked me for all the pointers. Suddenly, it all made sense. The restaurant, the tulips, the public display of digital connection. Bram was trying to make me jealous... or he didn't want to screw things up with Lyle like he did with me. Was I okay with him dating? Only time would tell.

As we got back to my house, Cal kept putting himself down. My mom left me a Valentine's Day present on the porch... a love bug just like the one Cal got me! That made Cal even more embarrassed but I reassured him that tonight was amazing. Especially the calla lilies. "They reminded me of you: strong but beautiful," he said. So much better than tulips.

How many ways could I had screwed up this day? I almost let my jealousy ruin the night cuz Cal never asked Bram to get intel about what I wanted. He didn't have to. He just knew. And the cherry on top was him saying "I Love You."

I could have and maybe should have rubbed my V-Day booty in my father's face, but I wasn't heartless. I removed the card from my mom's present and told my dad the love beetle was from her

When I got to my room, I was surprised to find Leah crying on my bed. She told me she found Garrett and Martin making out at the BHP. All I could say was that those two truly deserved each other for all the messed up things they've done.

I guess it's really hard when someone you care about moves on before you do. I had moved on with Cal, so why shouldn't Bram move on too?


	10. ILY2?

Feb 15 - 2:34am

I couldn't shake what was keeping me awake. That Cal said he loved me. I didn't say it back, and I didn't know why.

What I did know was why I loved ice cream. It was a delicious, comforting and cruel reminder of how cold I must have seemed when I left Cal hanging.

But I never left my hoodies hanging because it was obvious I loved them. They were versatile, good for all seasons and could hide me from the probing, late night questions I didn't wanna face.

So I didn't know how I felt. I knew how to read a label. The dental whitening kit would tell me how long it would take for my problem to go away. Six weeks. The same amount of time it took Cal to know that he loved me.

Maybe I did know. But I didn't realize it yet. Because it was too soon. And that was okay. Nobody falls in love overnight.


	11. What Comes First: Sex or Love?

Feb 15 - 8:23pm

Or maybe some people do fall in love overnight.

Considering that Allen's longest relationship was with nicotine, his spontaneous engagement seemed a bit sketch. If some woman wanted to marry Allen, she had to have questionable taste.

He met Danni at a beach club while he was pretending to find a job and Allen said it seemed like Danni was pretending to work out while she made it her job to watch him sweat. I had hoped for a better story like they got to know each other and she said she loved him and while he wasn't sure how he felt at first, he soon realized that he was the best girl he ever met? Alas, that didn't happen. They went to Paris and she put a ring on it... along with her black AmEx. I had to eye roll because now Allen didn't have to get a job.

Nick and Leah had a lot to say about my "awesome" response to Cal's ILY. It's not that I don't feel something, it's just that I'm not sure I feel it.

They suggest I break up with Cal because I'm leading him on. But I'm not. I'm just taking my time. Bram did that with me and he came around eventually... when I was in a new relationship.

But I love being Cal's boyfriend. See! Love just slipped right out of my fingers totally unprovoked. That's a good sign? Maybe I'm coming around.

But how do you know when you know?

Evidence of my love: the picture of me kissing Cal on my binder. Note the big smile, warm embrace. Need I say more? If I didn't know these people, I'd be convinced.

The Bram ship had sailed... though it wasn't entirely true. My feelings for Bram were present and accounted for. But like Cal, I didn't know how to interpret them. Was residual love for Bram clouding my new love for Cal?

I was in love with Bram, but I only knew that after we had sex. So, I had to have sex with Cal, then I'll know, but I wasn't sure I was ready to have sex with Cal. It wasn't a question I ever pondered with Bram. I just did it. Did I just need to do "it" again?

So I accidentally megaphoned my mission to bang my beau. Maybe no one knew the voice over the PA was me? I was overreacting. There was nothing to avoid. Nothing but my pile of denial. Which I had stepped in. Again.

Bram could joke all he wanted but it was not funny. I realize I made a very public announcement, but I was not ready to discuss the details with him because it's weird. He suggested giving Cal some pointers on the Simon dos and don’ts. I DO NOT HAVE DOS AND DON’TS!

While the Cal case was still under investigation, I realized the Bram case had not gone cold. It was closed cuz I finally knew something. Bram and I were friends.

Ms. Albright just had to give me her version of "the talk." Although it was way more awkward than the one I had with my parents. Tidbits like "always be a lady in the street, freak in the sheets, and quiet over the PA system" didn't help the cause. She advised using suggestive gestures in public rather than over expressions.

Between all the heckles and howls, I had some to my senses. Sex was not the answer. But Cal seemed eager so I guess we should talk logistics. We were both busy in the next few days, so I guess we're gonna have to wait. And maybe forget.

But we both had time after school, so why not squeeze it in? Cal's car was too small so we opted for my house since my dad was out for a couple hours. Which didn't really matter if Cal really was only gonna last two minutes. I wasn't nervous because Cal wasn't laying on the pressure. He was buckling under it.

But my dad was at home with Allen, so Cal and I had to rain check. As Cal left, Martin walked in. Turns out Danni is Martin's aunt. Martin says his aunts likes them young and didn't pull any punches by calling Allen a gold-digger.

My dad kept insisting Allen to sleep with Danni before he got married. Allen simply said he didn't need to sample anything since he knew Danni was well off financially. He could've been deflecting but he did say how he liked that she found him smart, funny, and handsome. Danni saw Allen like he saw himself: perfect as is. That's why he wants their first time to be special.

But it isn't his first time, so how could it be special? Allen told me that he used to jump into the sack thinking it would clarify how he felt. And it never worked because if the feelings weren't there before, then the sex was just that. Sex.

Then Allen went on to say that my dad needed to get laid because it was looking like my mom and him were not going to work out...

On my quest to figure out my feelings, I was left only more confused. If sex wouldn't clarify anything, was it worth the risk? My dad did end up giving me some good advice: every first time is the first time and it should be special.


	12. Holy Matrimony

Feb 20 - 3:18pm

From an early age, I'd been programmed to dream about my wedding-- What I would be wearing, who I would be marrying, and what kind of debt I'd be inheriting. 'Cause, let's face it, the matrimonial business was a racket, and my father was a sucker for a good party. I'd be paying that shit off till I died. But it would be worth it, because the day would be magical!

Considering Allen's past, I never expected him to be a traditional groom. He was more the drive-thru chapel type, but Allen had really turned a corner. He suddenly had style, class, and generous spirit. I guess people really could escape their past. But clearly, I couldn't escape mine.


	13. Another One Bites The Dust

Mar 1 - 8:17pm

My dad was crashing at the hotel where the wedding reception was being held, which meant tonight was gonna be the night. Project Bone was in effect! With my lifetime supply of protection, I was ready.

Allen had been on a cleanse for over a month, which had taken him from groom to grouch. My dad was hoping to rekindle something with my mom at the wedding, but Allen let us know that she RSVP’d with regrets. Not that it hampered his day because Allen announced that “his” Bella, my dad’s ex, was single, hot, and still hung up on him.

So, my dad had a Bella. The lady my dad should have married according to Allen. Good thing my dad documented every moment of high school like it was the best time of his life. While rummaging through yearbooks, Leah and I found out that Bella and my dad were definitely a couple.

When Bella arrived to give us a ride to the ceremony, my dad was all frazzled. It was a little hard to get a word in edgewise between her state and his drool.

“Bella is your dad’s Bram.” Leah had connected the dots. Bella was hot, hovering, and waiting to give my dad a ride, again. If she’s my dad’s Bram, then I was in trouble, and so was my mom. I had to call my mom because this was an emergency.

My dad asked what the emergency was and I was told him it was Bella. I saw the way they looked at each other. Even if they were old friends, I felt the need to remind him of the vow he took.

Bram was outside for some reason. He said he had brought his suit for Cal to wear and went on to compliment my penguin getup. “You guys look together and I’m really happy for you… even if it stings a little,” he adds. As he was leaving, I had to let him know that It still stung a little for me too.

Bram and I finally had closure and while it was bittersweet, we were rooting for each other. So what was I worried about with Bella?

I still chaperoned my dad all night. No alcohol for him because I’m sure he doesn’t wanna do something he’ll regret. He insisted that he didn’t need one but that was the thing. He did. Bella’s tactics were tacky, but unfortunately so was my father, so they were working.

I owed Leah. She singlehandedly saved my sanity all day, and I needed to return the favor. If she couldn’t escape her past, then I would recount it.

I had to put an end to my dad and Bella’s flirtationship. I let Bella know that just because my parents were separated doesn’t mean it’s open season on my dad. I knew her type. She lost out, and now she wanted him back. But it doesn’t matter what she does because my dad loves my mom and he wants her back.

Bella admitted defeat and told me to learn from her mistakes: “If you have someone special, don’t take it for granted.” I did have someone special who I’d been taking for granted all night.

With the Bella sitch put to bed, it was finally time to jump into mine with Cal. It was time to tell him. I couldn’t find Cal in the reception hall, so I called him and left a voicemail to finally tell him I loved him.

Gone were the secrets and heartache of my past. I was looking at my future.


	14. Time After Time

Mar 2 - 11:23pm

Timing. It was everything, and my time had arrived. I was head over heels for Cal and ready to show him, because our love was the stuff of poetry, of novels, of blogs. We were like Romeo and Juliet, except our love story didn’t involve a fake suicide. Been there, done that.

I asked Cal if he was ready to leave, but he was short with his answer so I asked what was wrong. He said it was us, but “us” was great. “Us” was perfect. “Us” was about to go back to my house and do it.

He finally tells me that he’s not feeling it, our relationship, and how he doesn’t want to lead me on. I couldn’t believe it. He was breaking up with me. “I think out timing is off,” he said as he left.

I was in shock. Leah didn’t know what to say and she always has something to say. She though I probably misunderstood, but how can you misunderstand “I’m breaking up with you.”

Maybe I waited too long to say “I love you,” and he started to doubt me. My heart was broken into a million pieces, but unfortunately, my mind was still intact, which meant I couldn’t ignore the unsettling realization that I was devastated.

Leah tried talking to Cal, but it was no use. He definitely DTR’s. It’s over. Leah said he kept giving her weird non-answers, but Cal owed me an explanation.

I ran up to his car because I had no idea what was going on. Everything was great and then he just dumps me out of the blue? I asked him if he got my message and he said he did but that our relationship wasn’t working. Why was he being so cold?

I wanted him to explain it to me, so when he told me to get in his car, I did not expect fo him to drive off leaving me in the parking lot.

Suddenly, my timing had gone from bad to worse. I caught my dad and Bella making out as I was walking back to the reception. My mom needed to know that Bella was here.

I wanted to go home. I felt bad for leaving Leah but I couldn't stay even if it meant I had to walk. And as if things couldn’t get worse, Allen was drunk and told me why he didn’t like my mom. It wasn’t for no reason because apparently Allen was there for my dad whenever my mom screwed him over and over.

I couldn’t tell if it was the fedora making my brain hurt, or Cal’s merciless words playing over and over in my head. Our timing was off? Did he just throw that out there or was it something real? And if so, was it off with my parents too?

If what Allen said was true, then Bella wasn’t my father’s Bram, my mother was, which made me the living, breathing manifestation of my parents’ bad timing. The mistake who kept my dad from his Cal.

And if that thought didn’t destroy me, there was another one lying in wait to finish the job. Would my dad have ended up with Bella if it wasn’t for me?

My walk of lame left me with a lot of blisters and a little clarity. There was never a wrong time to say “I love you.” If Cal left me because I didn’t meet his deadline, maybe I was lucky to get our when I did. Or maybe I was just trying to make myself feel better because I was still paralyzed by the pain?

Bram on the other hand had perfect timing. He knocked on my window asking how I felt about the breakup. Cal didn’t tell him much, so I gave him my take.

It was surreal crying to Bram about Cal. I’m such a weirdo, but Bram’s wonderful. I wasn’t feeling better because I was still racking my brain trying to figure out what I could have done different… better. Guess I just waited too long to tell Cal how I felt. And Bram could relate, but he knew Cal would come to his senses when he got over his own insecurities.

But what if there was a reason to be insecure. What if Cal could sense that I was struggling to fall in love with him because I hadn’t fallen out of love with Bram?

My entire life has been a series of bad timing. My conception, my accident, Cal’s affection. But maybe the timing’s finally right for me to be with Bram. And maybe, finally, it was time for my life to be less complicated.


	15. Simon the Homewrecker

Mar 4 - 10:33pm

I had been blogging all night, if only to keep my hands occupied and off my phone. And after fighting the urge to text Cal for two days, my willpower was waning. A lot.

I wasn’t the type of guy to expiration-date, so if Cal thought our romance was past its prime, I would accept his decision. If he had a damn good reason. I wasn’t thinking clearly, but neither was he. I thought Cal and I were happy, then wham, bam, break up, ma’am. I must have done something to damage our relationship, but what?

I was staying over at my mom’s apartment for the weekend when I heard someone by the name of Harold leave her a voicemail. Mom says it’s just someone from work. I wanted to doubt her but she surprised me with the hoopty of my dreams! I had to admit, I was stoked until I remembered that a grand gesture meant divorce. Was my mom trying to do damage control?

Or was it Cal? He finally texted me, but it was something I didn’t want him to see.

Leah and Nick were freaking out about the picture Cal sent me where Bram and I were making out in my room after the wedding. They were supposed to be calming me down but Nick said I should be pissed for him spying on me. He was trying to spin the situation. I don’t even know why Cal was at my house in the first place. Leah told me he went back to the wedding looking for me and all I could wonder was why she didn’t give me a heads up.

Nick suggested that Cal probably wanted to get back together. I had never considered that possibility. Could there be a silver lining to my storm cloud of despair? Fact is, I wasn’t cheating on Cal, so once we straighten out the timeline everything would be okay. I just needed to clear it up.

But how was I going to clear it up? Leah kept reminding me that I’m not a cheater because Cal broke up with me, out of nowhere, which meant he had no leverage, right? Nick was doubting our logic but it was all we had.

Cal wouldn’t even look at me as he ran away from me in the hall. A classic ice burn.

I was not gonna give up. Even If it meant catching him mid-stream in the bathroom because at least he wouldn’t run away. But I couldn’t move. Leah offered to give me a pep talk again and I really needed it.

As Cal walked out of the bathroom, I quickly told him that I knew it looked bad. That photo was awful and I understood that looking to Bram for comfort was a terrible choice, but I wasn’t cheating. Technically, I was single, and devastated.

Cal cut me off and told me he knew everything. It suddenly all made sense. I knew exactly why Cal broke up with me. He knew everything.

Bram didn’t even know what Cal meant by saying he knew everything. I showed him the picture Cal took of the two of us and he freaked out just like Nick and Leah. He asked how this happened and all I could do was blame him and his lips. I was vulnerable and he took advantage. Although my lips were pretty involved too.

But who told Cal? He still wasn’t talking to us. So, I followed him into his class and tried to explain how Bram and I had a thing but it wasn’t an official thing and it was over before he and I became a thing because we were official. It was no use because it looked like he didn't want to talk.

It felt cold on the outside. Bram asked me how my convo with Cal went and I had to tell him it didn’t go so well. How could we explain our situation if he wouldn’t hear us out? I had to make him listen.

Cal was working the pep rally and looking for a volunteer, so I volunteered hoping I would be able to talk to him. I had to tell him everything: I didn’t cheat on him because I slept with Bram before I really even knew Cal. Bram never wanted to be seen with me which made things confusing and unclear.

Cal must’ve not liked what I said because he called Bram over, spun the wheel of pep and stopped it on “Come Clean or Play Dirty.” He asked Bram if he had ever betrayed anyone and when Bram said no he looked at me and said that since he was not willing to come clean, I had to play dirty.

Martin yelled out that I should kiss Bram. Cal said it was a great idea and told me to do it in front of everyone. “Show some school spirit. It’s for the baseball team,” Abby said aloof to what was going on.

I told Cal not to do this but he bit back by saying if I would be more comfortable kissing Bram in secret. He called me a slut and that’s when Bram lost it.

Cal then went off on Bram. He thought Bram and I were laughing at him behind his back. Bram kept telling him how he didn’t know the whole story and Cal kept insisting he did. He started shoving Bram and I wanted to stop them, but Cal threw the first, second, and third punch.

Bram tried not to hit back but he did and screamed out, “I fucked your boyfriend!”

The fight got both of them in trouble, so I waited outside the office to make sure Cal was okay. Bram came out first but I wanted to talk to Cal first. He told me that he thought he made a mistake breaking up with me, but I told him the mistake was me not telling him everything about Bram because I didn’t know how to.

I begged Cal to believe me when I told him I still loved him. He gave me a serious look and asked why he would ever believe anything I said and walked off.

As Nick, Leah, and I were leaving campus, we overheard people calling me “Homewrecker Spier.” Why does everyone get to weigh in on my life? Nick tried comforting me by saying that someone else’s drama-rama would be front-page news tomorrow.

Nick was a blind optimist. What he couldn’t see was that things could always get worse. As usual, my father decided my humiliation was about him.


	16. Damaged Goods

Mar 5 – 9:07pm

I was feeling wrecked, wronged, and worn-out. I couldn’t take anymore blows and definitely couldn’t cushion them. I had spent so much time protecting Cal’s feelings that my own were left defenseless.

The damage was done and there was no way to undo it.

…CARE TO COMMENT?...

Posted by Anonymous:  
You’re not a homewrecker.

Posted by Simon Spier:  
Do you know me?

Posted by Anonymous:  
Yes.

Posted by Simon Spier:  
Friend or Foe?

Posted by Anonymous:  
Friend.

Posted by Simon Spier:  
I don’t know if I can trust an invisible friend.

Posted by Anonymous:  
You can trust me. This isn’t a set-up.

Posted by Simon Spier:  
I’m feeling desperate. There’s no way to minimize the damage. Everybody hates me.

Posted by Anonymous:  
I don’t hate you.

Posted by Simon Spier:  
I wish I could put into words what I feel.

Posted by Anonymous:  
You already have.

Posted by Simon Spier:  
You’re the only one who knows the whole truth.

Posted by Anonymous:  
Maybe I shouldn’t be.


	17. Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me

Mar 7 - 6:43pm

I was dead... metaphorically speaking. Like Sylvia Plath, I’d taken my own life. Except while hers ended in an over, mine ended on the internet.

My blog was no longer a safe haven, so there was only one way I could take refuge from the internal slaughter in my head.

I had to put pen to paper.

Turns out, releasing my blog to the public was not the answer to my problems. Once again, I was a pariah and even though I hadn’t forgiven my dad from writing the letter, he was wise to my guilt trips.

So I couldn’t expect he would let me stay home, which meant I had to ensure it. While looking for my dad, I found clothes on the floor and heard commotion in the shower. Suddenly, I didn’t need to play sick anymore. I was sick and needed to escape before I was confronted with what I expected to see my father with… my mom?

My parents sat me down to ask how I was feeling. I thought my mom was dating Harold but she wasn’t and wanted to clear things up. They’re still not back together because my mom said there’s still “work” to be done. And if that work was gonna happen in the house, I had to vacate the premises.

My dad insisted on driving me to school. Car or no car, negative attention was about the only attention I could expect. He asked me again if I was okay, but I wasn’t. How do you tell your dad you’re about to walk into a public lashing?

I had to tell her what I did. Before I could do so, someone yelled out BITCH to my dad but he thought it was directed at me. “So Cal broke up with me and then caught me making out with Bram, which shouldn’t have been a thing cause I was technically single but he thinks I’m a cheater because he didn’t know that I was with Bram before I was with him so he thought that we were seeing each other while I was seeing him, that him being Cal,” I said frantically.

I explained how I exposed my blog and basically everything about myself and didn’t realize that there would be collateral damage which I guess sorta definitely involved him and the letter. I know it seems like I did it on purpose because things aren’t resolved between us but I didn’t mean to hurt my dad.

The school day went on without much trouble. I assumed it was merely the calm before the storm, and as such I was battening down the hatches. But all everyone was talking about was how ballsy I was for putting myself up for public consumption.

Leah was excited for me because now my life was like a small cable show. I may not have a budget or marketing, but according to her I’m interesting and I’m catching on with the right peeps. Peeps that get me and cared what I think.

Ironically, they did. I had fans and they wanted advice, fashion tips, and a teenage perspective. Suddenly, everyone needed my opinion on their life and to weigh in on mine. It was overwhelming and exhilarating. I was a tastemaker.

With all my newfound validation, I had almost forgotten the one opinion that mattered the most. Make that the two opinions. Maybe it is a good time to talk to Bram and Cal cuz my new positive approval rating could be rubbing off on them too. Right?

Leah wanted me to go talk to them because what’s the worst that could happen. “They could spit in my face,” I said, but Leah was sure they wouldn’t. Turns out my great expectations were not so great.

Ms. Albright was relishing in my new-found fame. She thought I had all the answers, but I don’t cuz my life is a mess. She disagreed because she knew I had friends, a bro-down, and a very nice way with words, which she would know because she devoured every last one of them... virtually speaking of course.

This was getting insane. I am not a role model. Nick compared me to a Lifetime movie and wanted to adapt my blog into one. But this isn’t a movie, this is my life, and I don’t have a remote to take control or delete the traumatic episodes involving Bram and Cal. They were never going to talk to me again.

As we walked down the hall, I found both Bram and Cal waiting for me. Finally, the tide had turned and I was about to get the smackdown I had anticipated.

They decided not to let a guy come between their friendship. I understood that even if it hurt a bit. But then they asked me to choose who I wanted to be with. The audience around us quickly shared their opinions and all I could think about was getting out of there.

Apparently, my stigma hadn’t disappeared. It transferred to my father. He was getting so much shit for writing the letter that I had to apologize for putting him in that position. I still didn’t know why he wrote it so I had to ask again.

He told me that the day he wrote it his parents were criticizing him for not raising me right and instead of tuning them out, he tuned them in and did what he never wanted to do. He attacked me the way he was always attacked by them and it wasn’t right or fair.

I guess it was just a family patter we couldn’t break. I wanted to call my mom to fix this but my dad insisted that she couldn’t fix him. He said that my mom only stayed with him because of me and gave me a choice. I didn’t have to love him.

Again, my life was full of unexpected choices. Choices that I didn’t want to make.

Back at school, everyone wanted to know my decision. I was trending in two categories: #SimonPickCal and #SimonPickBram. Nick and Leah tried not to pressure me but even they wanted to know who I was going to choose.

Cal and Bram sat down at our lunch table and wanted an answer. I appreciated their effort in not pressuring me but they wanted to know and so did everyone else.

But I couldn’t think with everyone watching, so both of them did it for me. Cal vouched for Bram as did Bram vouch for Cal.

I had made a decision. They should date each other.


	18. Who to Choose and Who to Lose?

Mar 8 – 7:13pm

In an unexpected turn of events, I was neither a winner not a loser. I was a chooser. But someone had to win, someone had to lose, and I was still left to choose. It was a big decision and not an easy one to make.

So I had choose… my dad. My mom confessed to me that when they were younger she did and said a lot of awful things to him, things he’s forgiven but clearly hasn’t forgotten. She was my hero and my dad was hers.

…CARE TO COMMENT?...

Posted by Burk S:  
Team Bram

Posted by Vera H:  
Team Cal


	19. Once Upon A Blog

Mar 16 - 3:11pm

I used to think being in love with two people at once only happened on reality shows, where finding a soulmate was nudged along by a dozen roses, a cheese-tastic host, and a camera crew up your ass. I never bought that bogus B.S. until it happened to me.

I didn't have to choose between Bram or Cal, but I wanted to. When it came to life-altering decisions, I resorted to my go-to method of problem solving: blogging it out.

Turns out, my readers were as confused as I was.

It was impossible to think with the peanut gallery chiming in. How could I possibly blog my way to an answer if I couldn't write my truth? Unless I tried my hand at fiction…

…CARE TO COMMENT?...

Posted by Jillian C:  
Pick Bram

Posted by Victor E:  
Pick Cal

Posted by Anna T:  
Bram is the only choice.

Posted by Miles B:  
Cal is awesometown!!!

Posted by Bobby V:  
GET OVER IT! Pick a guy already.

Posted by Victoria H:  
Team Bram!

Posted by Melia M:  
Team Cal!

Posted by Omar C:  
Team Omar! We have 3rd period together – I’m the one with the buzzcut.


	20. Twilight: Shady Creek Edition

Mar 16 - 4:44pm

It was the six-month anniversary of the first tryst in the utility closet, and Simon couldn't stop thinking about it. Those ill-fitting camp shirts, the filthy space, the cold, dank floor. It was the most romantic three minutes of his life.

Jolted by a rush of cold wafting off Bram’s sub-zero skin, Simon couldn't help but consider, should he finally let Bram turn him so they could spend eternity together?

“Do you know what today is?” Simon asked.  
“Tuesday,” Bram quickly replies.

He didn't remember. Simon was crushed. He didn't realize the undead could suck so hard. 

“Happy anniversary,” Bram finally says. Suddenly, someone comes in-between them.

But Simon couldn't discount Cal, who he occasionally referred to as Calvin. “He'll never be able to give you what you need. But I can,” Cal says, sexy in his own right and an amazing kisser.

Simon could only imagine how hot their sex would be. He thought it would be hot. For real, Cal’s body temp hovered around 150.

…CARE TO COMMENT?...

Posted by Nathan D:  
BORED.

Posted by Tim K:  
YOU suck!

Posted by Megan B:  
Team LAME


	21. Do-Over #1

Mar 16 - 5:23pm

My brief foray into fiction lead me to one obvious conclusion… I was a hack. So I wasn’t all that great when left to my own devices. What I needed was a push in the right direction, or any direction.

Because I was lost, in love.

Whenever I lost my keys, which happened a lot, I retraced my steps. Maybe I needed to retrace my past to figure out my future?

If I had a do-over with Bram, how would I handle it? A do-over was an interesting concept and I knew exactly what I would do differently.

I would not have had sex with Bram at summer camp. If he wanted to get to know me, then he should’ve asked me out.

I also wouldn’t have taken the carefrontation so seriously. Maybe that way I would’ve avoided my accident.

And I would fight back whenever Martin tried to sass me. Like a hungry coyote, Martin preyed on the weak and wounded. If showed any fear at all, he’d spend the rest of the year eating me alive. He could grow to like me.

I would eat lunch with Bram and his friends. Obviously, I wouldn’t ditch my friends. It’s not like I was gonna be BFFs with Martin and become popular overnight… but to join the mob, you proved your loyalty by making your first kill. To be popular, I had to sacrifice my friendships.

Ms. Albright would not even be in my life if I never had that accident. The only time our paths would cross would be if I got in trouble for something.

Would I even blog anymore? I’d probably write something like this:

Whenever peeps bitched about high school being the most painful time of their lives, I always assumed they were losers. Because I was halfway through sophomore year and I was killing it. Every guy wanted to be me and every girl wanted to bone except the lesbians, who still wanted to see my ass.

But even though my life was perfect, I couldn't help by wonder why the hell was I wasting time recounting every little thing that happened to me on some lame blog?

Blogging was stupid.

My relationship to my father would probably be a little better? He would finally accept me for being popular, fit, and stylish.

As the most popular guy at Shady Creek, it would be my job to worry about what everyone thinks. Ans they would think about me all the time.

I’d probably end up being a total bitch… and Bram would end up breaking up with me because of it. He would want someone else, someone off the grid and normal and down to earth.

Since my do-over fantasy turned out to be more of a nightmare, I decided second-guessing myself wasn't the way to go.

Maybe I had made the right decision to go into that closet with Bram.

…CARE TO COMMENT?...

Posted by Penelope G:  
Enough about Bram. I’m pro-Cal. How did you tank that relationship?


	22. Do-Over #2

Mar 16 - 6:03pm

I thought it was pretty obvious how I tanked my relationship with Cal. I should’ve told him the truth about Bram from the beginning. But I couldn’t go back to the scene of the crime to right the wrong… or could I?

Before Cal ever got a chance to kiss me, I would let him know that the guy I’ve been upset about was not him but Bram. Cal would be much happier with me than he’d ever be with Abby. So I would end things with Bram, Cal would get rid of Abby and we could be together.

Bram might’ve liked me but actions speak louder than words, which is why I was going to be dating his friend.

In my fantasy, my mom and dad were out of town a lot, so Cal and I would have a lot of time to do the deed. The sex would be mind-blowing. It wouldn’t just be a physical experience but an emotional and spiritual one.

But would Cal get exhausted of our bone-a-thons? Maybe he was afraif I wasn’t as into him as he was into me. And the only way to set his mind at ease would be to tell him I loved him.

Or maybe I was in a sex trance? Cal would end up running back to Abby giving me the old pump and dump. I would need a sexorcism if it got this bad.

There would only be two options: tattoo Cal’s name on my arm where it’s visible to the viewing public or go the old-fashioned way and get married.

But even I know marriage doesn’t keep a couple together.


	23. Do-Over #3

Mar 16 - 7:21pm

Turns out, I couldn't trust my instincts or my blog, which apparently was hijacked by an angry muse determined to send my do-overs off the rails.

Or was my gut subconsciously trying to protect me from a miserable future with both guys?

Which meant there was a third party in the mix.

I could pick Cal or Bram… or no one.

Instead of working at summer camp, I would go to summer school. All the extra credit would be worth it because I would be able to graduate early since nothing interesting ever happens in high school.

I would've never met Bram and as a result I would've never talked to Cal. They would just see me as another face in the hallway passing by. Without so much as a flirtatious wink from Bram or a coy smile from Cal, the guys would walk off with their significant others. Never even bothering to ask Simon’s name…


	24. Begin Again

Mar 16 - 8:58pm

What I discovered during my journey into the world of fiction:

1) There was no point in hoping for a do-over, because sometimes, they suck more than the reality.  
2) I did not want to write fiction.  
3) I couldn't write fiction, and  
4) I couldn't write the facts with an audience.

So when it came to the guys, I had no regrets. If I hadn't trusted my instincts, I would have missed out on some amazing, and incredibly painful experiences. Experiences that made me who I am. Who paved the way for who I'd be.

Good, bad or ugly, I was going to go with my gut. If a do-over wasn't an option maybe a start over was and I finally knew who it would be with.

But why was I telling the public at large? It should be private.

...CARE TO COMMENT?...

Blog Status: PRIVATE


	25. Bottleneck

May 26 - 11:42pm

Spin the bottle. It was a requisite rite of passage. And while I was past my prime to play, it seemed fitting given all the spiraling I’d done throughout the year.

In the game, all decisions were left to the bottle. And for once, the bottle was more fickle than I was. It just had to stop between Bram and Cal! The bottle didn’t know what I wanted, but I did.

Despite already having made a decision, I was still in the closet with Bram.

Luckily, we didn’t have to fake our seven minutes in heaven because Cal already knew. Bram told him but I wanted to tell him. With Cal getting the answer he needed, Bram was clear to be with the guy he wanted. Me. So I made use of my last three minutes of seven in heaven.


	26. Je t'aime

The junior summer trip abroad was in all our minds. The past year had been a mess but if we go to Europe we could have a great end to the school year.

My summer was looking good either way because it seemed like I was about to have a real boyfriend summer. Yet, I couldn’t shake the feeling that that the other shoe was poised to drop at any moment. All good things in my life are closely followed by something bad.

Bram and I still hadn’t DTRed. Maybe our BF status didn’t need words to define it. Or maybe “boyfriend” would roll off Bram’s tongue and into my mouth.

Unfortunately for Leah, all she had were texts from Garrett. Once a cheater, always a cheater. God, why do exes always have to creep back? But did all exes truly creep back? And could they creep back as friends?

Cal and I haven’t really talked and even though he says he’s cool I don’t think he is. If I wanted Cal to be my friend, I needed to man up!

It was so weird trying to start a conversation with him. He said he’s be fine with my decision, so it was comforting to know he truly meant it. I might not be what he wanted but it was what he needed.

For once, the universe was working in my favor and it was not a cause for celebration. It was setting off alarms.

Ms. Albright called me into her office for a family meeting. She knew how much my parents’ separation affected me, but she didn’t know that they had recently gotten back together. The union was back in tact so Ms. Albright thought the only way to atone for the hell I was put through was to send me on the Europe trip.

My dad was excited for me, but my mom was hesitant. Money’s a little tight right now and to be honest I didn’t need to go. I was just happy my parents were back together.

But there was the problem. I needed a problem to have a good day. Everything is perfect. Maybe too perfect. Something bad was bound to happen. I’m a walking disaster zone.

Bram was excited for the best summer of our lives. We were gonna get paid and I was gonna get laid. I didn’t want to get ahead of myself, but I was being neurotic. The other shoe didn’t need to drop for me to get everything I wanted… which involved more of Greenfeld and less of his clothes.

My parents surprised me by paying for the Europe trip. So I wasn’t neurotic. I was intuitive. The other show had definitely dropped, but it wasn’t a sweaty converse. It was a sparkly Monolo Blahnik.

I was so excited to take in the sights and go on an international adventure with Bram, but he seemed relundant. I was getting ahead of myself because he was already committed to camp. I wanted him to get out of it but he didn’t want to since he’ll be head counselor this year. I didn’t want to go abroad for six weeks without him.

Leah suggested throwing a Euro Trash Bash to show Bram just how much he’ll be living if he comes with us on the trip. I didn’t want to manipulate or coerce him.

I was stuck with the hiccups. An annoying series of convulsions disrupting the blood flow from my heart to my head. I wanted to go to Europe and yet I was afraid to go without Bram. So there was one thing left to consider.

I knew my dad would tell me what I wanted to hear. He would tell me to stay with my boyfriend… and yet he advised me to go to Europe. I thought that my dad at my age would pick his significant other than a trip.

He told me how back in the day when he was with Bella, he had so many opportunities to do things he really wanted to do but didn’t do them because Bella didn’t want to. And there were so many times that he never got to dance because Bella didn’t like to. She just sat on his lap and watched everyone else around them have fun.


	27. The Other Shoe

Surprisingly, my dad gave me good advice. Which left me with one resort. Manipulation. Like bribing him with pizza.

At the party, Nick was wasted beyond belief. He was saying how he was going to break all the rules and get his freak on. Nick needed to sober up with a quick shower so Leah took care of him for the night.

Leah was excited for the trip until Cal informed us that he took the last spot earlier today. I suddenly didn’t need to convince Bram to go. I needed to convince myself to stay.

PDA at a party was no longer an issue between Bram and I. Taylor had been taking photos at the party and wanted to take one of us. “That was so sweet. I had to memorialize it,” she said as Bram excused himself to get another drink.

Taylor let me know she was rooting for me to pick Bram. I told her I was worried it was too good to last and how my parents paid for the Europe trip but Bram wasn’t going. The plan was shot but Taylor simply suggested I not go on the trip. “But it’s Europe,” I responded, so she told me then go to Europe.

I was afraid of missing out on something while I was abroad. Taylor hugged me and told me to shake it off because everything was going my way… and it was true… and familiar. Where had I heard that before?

I had to trust my gut. My gut was saying I didn’t really need to go to Europe. But Leah did and suddenly I had the answer to fix two problems with one trip.

You can imagine how shocked I was to find Leah and Cal making out. Taylor reminded me I had Bram, so what was the problem? I had made my choice… I’m just being ridiculous.

“I’m so glad we can do this out in the open,” Taylor says laughing. Turns out that Taylor was my mysterious commenter.

I wanted to get the 411 straight from the source. I let Leah know I saw her kissing Cal and that I was pissed for a moment, but I also let her know that I wanted her to take my spot on the Europe trip.

Martin was frantically looking all over the party of Garrett. He ended up finding him making out with Taylor and stormed off. Garrett’s such a whore. He’d screw anything in sight if he had the chance.

When I told Bram I decided to stay for the summer, he seemed surprised but smiled. I was going to have the best summer of my life.

I finally got what I really wanted… but I wasn’t sure it was what I needed.

Everyone started dancing and I wanted to join in. Unfortunately, Bram was not much of a dancer. I just sat on his lap and watched everyone else around us have fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read the Senior Year Tumblr posts in the final installment: He Tried So He Did


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